Recollections of Bhagavan

I originally came from Tiruvannamalai. I worked in a bank and eventually retired as the chairman of a bank. Though I started visiting the ashram in 1926, at the age of twelve years, it was only from 1939 onwards that I was a regular visitor to Sri Ramanasramam. So I was fortunate in being associated with Bhagavan for over 70 years.

I saw a photo of Bhagavan in a friend’s house and afterwards I was very eager to see Bhagavan. One day, I reached Tiruvannamalai by train in the early morning, walked to the ashram and arrived at 6:30am. I prostrated before Bhagavan. He asked me from where I had come. I told him that I was studying at Sethupati High School at Madurai and came for Bhagavan’s darshan. I got into the habit that, whenever I went out, permission would first be taken of Bhagavan before leaving the Ashram. I wanted to see the place where the Karthigai Deepam was lit. Bhagavan told me to go to Skandasramam and from there go to the top of the Hill. He asked me to go on the straight path and not to follow any short cuts. After passing Skandasramam, we took an apparently shorter route. There we met monkeys and cobras on the way. Frightened by this, we returned and took the straight path as instructed by Bhagavan. Then we understood the value of his instructions as we would encounter obstructions if we didn’t follow Bhagavan’s advice.

I was married to Lalitha who was born and brought up in the Ashram. My marriage was fixed in Bhagavan’s own presence. My wife had a close acquaintance with him even from her childhood. She realised that he was a sannyasi like others but also her relative so to speak.

Our first child was unable to walk until the age of two. When we brought the child to the Ashram, Bhagavan stroked the child’s legs and on the third day she walked and on the fourth day, she started running. The child came and told Bhagavan that he spoke well. In return, Bhagavan lovingly gave her some sugar candy and a blessing. In the old meditation hall Bhagavan would feed the monkeys and squirrels with peanuts. Even though there were people crowding the dhyana hall, animals would fearlessly come into the room.

Somebody had presented a strong bull in the gosala. It was strong and violent. It would break its chains, rampage and charge those who were near it. Hearing this, Bhagavan rose from his seat, went to the bull and asked him to calm down. Due to Bhagavan’s sweet pleadings the bull stopped, strolled away and didn’t attack anyone after that. Bhagavan’s very look made the bull tranquil.

I am always thinking of Bhagavan who always keeps me well.

For five generations my family was in close contact with Bhagavan. Being a doctor’s daughter, my wife Lalitha set right the dispensary which had been constructed in the Ashram. My wife had close contact with Bhagavan and even in the dining hall Bhagavan would ask her what she would like to eat. When we invited Bhagavan for the grahapravesham of our house at Madurai, Bhagavan told my wife that he would come there if she brought Annamalai there. Bhagavan said, “Annamalai is static and so also I am static and I will not move away.”

When I had to leave the ashram and return to work, I requested permission to depart but Bhagavan told us to remain for two more days. It was unusual for Bhagavan to influence a person’s travel plans. It turned out that the next day there was a cyclone and heavy rain, all roads were obstructed, trains were disrupted and nobody could travel. There was a breach in the railway track beyond Villupuram. Only then did we understand why Bhagavan didn’t permit us to leave the Ashram.

Since her parents had regularly performed lalitha chakram puja, my wife Lalitha was given that name by Bhagavan when she was born. Bhagavan asked her to visit Tiruchuzhi and described to her the entire layout of the area where he had played as a child. Whenever Bhagavan went for giripradakshina, he would take Lalitha with him. They chanted Aksharamanamalai and he explained the details of every place and shrine that they passed. When Bhagavan worked in the kitchen, he would use a grinder and showed her how to make a smooth paste for the preparation of dosas and iddlies.

Generally when Bhagavan went on giripradakshina, most of the ashram inmates went along with him, carrying food with them.

During the days when Bhagavan was at Skandasramam, his nephew T.N.Venkataraman was a young boy with long locks of hair. In those days, both boys and girls had their hair plaited. Once a snake came down a pillar and Bhagavan asked it to go away without hurting anybody. Bhagavan had a sense of humour and he made a joke comparing the snake with the plait of young Venkataraman’s hair.

At the entrance to Skandasramam, there is still the raised platform where Bhagavan would sit. There was only one train to Tiruvannamalai which arrived at 6:00am. There were no bus services. As the number of persons coming towards Skandasramam came into view, Bhagavan would count the number of people and arrange for their food, which would either be prepared or obtained from the town as bhiksha.

My father-in-law’s mother, Lakshmi Ammal, lived at Tiruchuzhi and she studied, played and stayed with Bhagavan during her younger days. They came to know about his whereabouts when Bhagavan was living in Virupaksha Cave. She immediately came to see Bhagavan accompanied by a friend. But Bhagavan did not speak to her as he was in silence. She shed tears on seeing Bhagavan and he silently consoled her.

In the early days there was only a thatched shed in the Ashram. My grandmother Lakshmi Ammal and my mother stayed in the town, in the house of Pichu Iyer, my aunt’s husband. They would come to the Ashram at 5 a.m. and helped with all kinds of service during the day. When the kitchen was constructed, the highways engineer K.K.Nambiar supervised the work.

While grinding wet flour in the grinding stone, Bhagavan instructed my mother-in-law how to press the flour properly, while the actual rolling of the stone was done by him. This is how Bhagavan gave instructions in a very simple way.

There was only one thatched guest house for men in the ashram. I remember Omandur Ramaswamy Reddiar, later the chief minister of Madras Presidency, Gopal Rao, who was the chairman of the Bank of Baroda and one Sastri, who was the regional manager of Central Bank of India, staying there with us. There were no regular cooks at that time. We used to serve the food and clean the vessels. As there were no servants everyone had to clean their respective rooms.

My job in the ashram was to take instructions from the visiting doctors who stayed and served the Ashram. They attended the patients who came for free. Dr Srinivasa Rao later started the free dispensary. These doctors would bring with them for free distribution, the medicines required in the subsequent months. At that time there was no building for the hospital. The medicines were stacked in the small cupboards under the staircase near the dhyana hall. The compounders would take the doctor’s prescriptions and dispense the medicines from this place.

At that time Sama Iyer (Sama Thatha) did the cooking. He was very fond of Lalitha, who would clean the vessels and help him. Since he was dark in complexion, she would say that as she was black, she was cleaning the blackish vessels. So Sama Thatha would fondly call her ‘Karuppayee’ [the black one].

Muruganar also affectionately called her ‘Karuppayee’. When Bhagavan wrote a poem in Tamil and showed it to Muruganar, who then pointed out some mistakes in it and corrected them. Bhagavan jokingly said that in the olden days Nakkeeran had pointed out mistakes in Easwaran’s (i.e. God’s) poems. Similarly Muruganar was the Kaliyuga Nakkeeran, correcting his poems. Such was Muruganar’s intimacy with Bhagavan.

The office and the Book Depot stood in what is today Bhagavan’s Samadhi hall. I would regularly help with the books in the stall. Sarvadhikari Chinnaswamigal commanded everyone in their jobs. He would make me check the cash and keep accounts, as well as make flower-garlands.

Bhagavan was fond of groundnuts (peanuts). I used to peel off the shell and give them to Bhagavan. Lakshmiammal used to collect the shelled groundnuts and keep them safe so that Bhagavan could be offered them at a later date.

Bhagavan moved easily with everybody. When he sat in the Hall, everyone silently observed him. It was a common phenomenon that whatever questions one wanted to ask Bhagavan would get answered before questioning him. When we looked at Bhagavan’s face, we did not need to ask any questions. Both in the mornings and evenings, he would enquire with everyone about their welfare.

Bhagavan talked to me on many occasions and while I was studying he would enquire about the school and the place where I was studying. I had no capacity to understand the correct meaning of tattvas and such terms of philosophy, but Bhagavan gave me reference books to clarify their meaning, and helped me understand them. He was fluent in all the regional languages.

I had no courage to ask questions of Bhagavan as I was not mature or conversant with spiritual matters. But because my wife and my father-in-law were very close to him, they would speak freely with him.

Kavyakanta Ganapathi Muni was a famous scholar and jnani. He was a great scholar (pulavar) in the Hyderabad Nizam’s Durbar. The Nizam and Kavyakantha played chess together for three days, and when the latter won the game, the Nizam presented him with a plate full of gold coins. But Kavyakanta took only six coins and left Hyderabad for Tiruvannamalai.

Kavyakanta Ganapathi had a long white beard and looked like Tagore. He would talk to Bhagavan in Tamil and Telugu about various aspects of Vedanta, which we could not understand. During these conversations Bhagavan would refer to various Vedantic scriptures. It is a wonder how and when Bhagavan studied these texts.

Kavyakanta Ganapathi Muni enquired of Bhagavan how he was able to survive on the hill when he was observing mouna and how he got his food. Bhagavan told him that there were very many shrubs on Arunachala and if he ate small fruits like sundaikkai, he did not feel hunger at all. There was one Mouna Swami from Courtallam who came to Bhagavan and wanted to learn about rasavada. Bhagavan told him that being a sannyasi, he should not aspire for rasavada and siddhis, but instead aspire to seek the Truth. After returning to Courtallam, my father-in-law offered him a house where he set up an ashram for the swami which was named ‘Mounaswami Math’.

There was no water when the construction of Skandasramam was contemplated. But Bhagavan instructed us to dig for water at a spot and water was soon found to flow copiously. Now there is a perennial water supply there. At night, during Bhagavan’s time, wild animals would come to drink water. Bhagavan said that the ashramites should not drive them away because it was their place.

At Ramanasramam whenever work was required, Bhagavan would join in and all of us, including the ladies and children, would assist him by carrying the stones, sand, cement, etc. Thus we had the opportunity of close proximity to Bhagavan.

One of Bhagavan’s classmates, Ranganatha Iyer, visited Bhagavan. Bhagavan recollected the playdays with him and how they had climbed the mango trees to pluck fruits and swam in the Tiruchuzhi tank. At that time water was overflowing the bund gate, Ranganatha was caught in rushing water near the wooden plank but Bhagavan rescued him. Ranga Iyer said that he had made him reach the shore, with the implied meaning that Ranga had crossed the samsara sagara. He also said that he was in good hands, meaning that Bhagavan had enabled him to cross the samsaric hurdles.

My mother-in-law would also assist with all the ashram work in the kitchen, like cleaning, sweeping, etc. But being young and timid she had no occasion to talk to Bhagavan. She held Bhagavan in awe as God Himself and was very devoted to him.

My sons were also regular visitors to the Ashram from their first birthdays. Bhagavan fed them their first solid food in their mouths. They were fortunate to receive prasad from Bhagavan’s hands. All my sons and my daughter, by his Grace, are well settled in good positions. The fiftieth anniversary of my marriage to Lalitha was held here.

There was no sense of difference in the Ashram and all were treated equally. There was neither guru nor shishya. Bhagavan was not a sannyasi, but an atmajnani. He was an avatar of Lord Dakshinamurthi. In the hall he sat facing south and wherever else he sat, faced south as well. Even his sofa where he gave darshan faced south. I have not seen him sitting facing east. So, I feel that it is true that Bhagavan is the avatar of Dakshinamurthi. There has been a guru for everyone, including Sankaracharya. But Bhagavan had no guru — nobody gave him sannyasa diksha. His guru was only Isvara (God).

Every word uttered by him is upadesa (instruction). Only after serving food to everyone did he eat his food. He would never leave any food on his leaf-plate. He never allowed anybody to take away the used banana leaf except Sama Iyer.

He would always sit with his legs stretched out. He explained to Lalitha that his legs were very weak because he had remained sitting for long periods during his earlier days. Whenever his legs gave him pain, he himself applied oil and massaged his legs. He didn’t ask the help of anyone else to massage his legs. Even though he did not say anything it was clear from his behaviour that he did not like the traditional deferential guru-shishya notion of service to the guru.

Whatever was needed for the development of the Ashram, it would, by Bhagavan’s grace, appear. When Chinnaswami bemoaned the scarcity of provisions, Bhagavan would reply that he need not worry and that everything would be alright. Very often somebody would soon after bring in a cart from the railway station, carrying the required provisions, whether bags of rice or say, plantain leaves.

At the time of the planning of the mother’s temple, I was there during the discussions. It was proposed to build the temple in a simple style and Bhagavan approved the plans. During its construction, Bhagavan inspected the work daily and discussed with the sthapathi, every stage of construction that is should be done strictly according to Agama Sastras. Bhagavan never discussed the financial aspects of the construction of the temple. When the idol was to be placed facing east, it was Bhagavan who marked the exact direction with his walking stick.

The exact direction could not be easily ascertained, but Bhagavan correctly measured the angle and geometrical location. This was due to his jnana drishti, for he had never studied any sastras.

Everyday Mounaswami would bring the mail. Bhagavan would peruse it carefully and tell him that the replies be sent immediately. When a radio was donated to the Ashram it was set up in the Old Hall for Bhagavan to listen to the news.

When I heard that Bhagavan was seriously ill in early 1950, my wife and I came immediately to the Ashram. Bhagavan was moved to a new room opposite mother’s temple. His left arm was heavily bandaged. My father-in-law, who was a doctor, offered to treat him, but Bhagavan refused to take any medical treatment, and only on strong persuasion did he agree. When my wife asked him if he had any pain, Bhagavan replied, “The pain is only for the body and not for me. You should know this, as you have been coming here for many years — that the pain is not for me. That is the teaching: that the body and Self are different.” This was two days before his mahanirvana. We stayed here all those days and on the mahanirvana day also.

Much earlier, on learning about the growth above the left elbow, I came immediately to the Ashram to be with Bhagavan. On seeing Bhagavan’s arm covered in a bandage, I cried aloud in grief. Bhagavan asked me, “Why are you crying?” I said, “Seeing you suffer severe pain causes me much grief.” He replied that the pain was only to the body and not for him. He also said that even though I had been coming to see him for a long time, I did not seem to understand that the body and the mind are separate. He gave different examples to explain this.

He was happy and we could not see from his face that he was suffering. He spoke to my wife. He talked as usual. Even though almost nobody was allowed to go near him, my wife was allowed to do so. There seemed to be no change in him and, right until his nirvana day he remained cheerful, so that many devotees did not realise that he would die.

Just ten minutes before his end, he was sitting with his eyes closed and nobody was allowed to go near him. My father-in-law was not there then. Everyone was alert knowing that something would happen. Only five minutes after he left the body did we understand that he was no more. There was no sign of shivering or heavy breathing. The end was very natural. We had never thought the end would come on that particular day. Immediately after his passing there was silence for a minute but afterwards cries of grief arose. After two minutes people outside the ashram saw a bright light, like a star, going towards the hill. It lasted for two or three minutes. It was like the flame of a burning torch. It went to the top of the hill and disappeared in the sky. It was reddish yellow in colour.

– The Mountain Path, April 2010