Autobiographical Reminiscences

On a later occasion I started from Virupaksha cave to Skandashram. Kandasami had gone down somewhere and no one accompanied me except A.Mahadevan, the son of Ganapati Muni. As soon as I reached Skandashram, I sat on the pial, leaned against something and became unconscious. Mahadevan noticed later that I was foaming at the mouth. After some time I regained consciousness.

"I had no fits after that, unless one inlcudes my exhaustion during an attack of diarrrhoea in Skandashram. I had been given some irritating medicines, including purified sulphur, and I was having continual motions for several days. On the first night I found it troublesome to move up and down for each motion so I moved down to the Koradu (outside the ashram) and lay on the stone there. Eventually I became too ill to move, and motions were being passed as I lay there. There was no sense or idea of cleansing. For some time I lay there with no one seeing my condition. Later, about midnight, I was discovered and taken into the ashram.

"These fits came on and off at Madurai. They came on even when I was at Tiruvannamalai in the early years. I had it at Vahana Mantapam often, also in the Vazhaithottam of the temple and also in Gurumurtham.

"At the Vahana Mantapam, I would edge through the narrow passage between the vahanas and the tatties in front of that mantapam to the interior-most vahana to escape attention and I would seat myself under the belly of the vahana on a sort of supporting plank. I would lose consciousness there and sometimes when I woke up, I would find myself on the tenth row (of vahanas) instead of the fifteenth having got there via a very narrow passage under one of the vahanas. I must have crept into it like a lizard. Whether I did so or something carried me, I never knew. But strangely enough, at no time did the crawlings and movements produce even a scratch* much less any hurt, to my person.

"Similarly in the Vazhaithottam, there would be a dense alley of oleander trees with cut-off stumps projecting. Occasionally, I would sit under one and wake up many fathoms further inside. I must have passed through these projecting stumps in my unconscious condition, yet I was not hurt at any time." At Gurumurtham I was very much constipated. I would pass hard, solid, steel-hard square blocks. I would just sit somewhere and after sometime try to rise. I would raise myself from my haunches and at once feel faint and giddy and resume my old position. Sometime later I would endeavor to get up, raise myself a foot or so, then feel the same reeling sensation and sit down again. On one occasion after such failures I got up and tried to go out and was clutching the front door. When Palaniswami came and held me in his arms, I turned to him and wished to know (through silence) why he was behaving in this manner. He said that he noticed that I was about to fall and so he seized me to prevent the fall. But I was holding on to the door with both hands outstretched and was not aware that I was about to fall. This difficulty in getting up on account of reeling was a constant feature of my life at Gurumurtham. Days and nights would pass without my being aware of their passing. I entertained no idea of bathing, cleaning my teeth or other cleansing even when I had defecated. The face got begrimed, the hair became one clotted mass like wax and the nails grew long. When anyone thought that I should take food and called, I would stretch a hand. Something would drop on it and I would eat it and then rub my hand on my head or body, and then drop again into my continuous mood. Sometimes people would pull out my hand and place food on it and I would swallow it. This was my condition for some years from the time of my arrival. For many years, I ate only off my hand without using any leafplate."

Question: Who fed Bhagavan all this time? Did there exist any who undertook to provide you with your daily food?

Bhagavan: "Yes, almost from the outset there were such people. First there was Jadai T.Mounaswami of Chidambaram; Uddandi Nayanar and Thambiram to see to my daily supply of food when I was in the thousand-pillared hall, Vahanamantapam, Gopura Subramania temple and Vazhaithottam. Even then some pious people resolved to see to my daily food supply. Nagappiar's grandmother and others did so. A young and beautiful dancing girl named Rajammal used to go there and feed me, even under the Sivaganga Illupai tree. She and I were sometimes all alone and the situation would be considered delicate. But she would throw food on my hand and I would eat it without any objectionable thoughts arising in me, even though for one month in the Gopura Subramania temple I was naked.

"At the first Karthikai festival, when innumerable pilgrims flocked here, just a few came and saw me, and after that, the number of those who came to see me steadily increased. By the time I was at Gurumurtham I had a fairly large number calling to see me, and in a sense, a reputation had been established. A number of persons wished that I should eat the food which each of them brought every day, but there was a difficulty in eating all that was brought. Each day a bit of what each had brought, solid or liquid, sweet or salty, fruit or rice, would be taken and mixed up into a sauce and given to me in a cupful. The rest would be given back to the donors as prasadam. This would be my night meal and I would drink it off, not minding how this compound mixture tasted.

"When I came up the hill, occasional food offerings from the casual visitors coupled with these daily supplies kept me up. But, soon, Palaniswami and others who were with me would go to the town and beg for food and bring up the begged food and eat it with me."