letter to Bhagavan
I have been living in Sydney for over a decade now. I have a loving family with two beautiful little children by Bhagavan's blessings. I have been contemplating for a while on writing my thoughts and experiences on Bhagavan in the Ashram Newsletter. Although I love reading spiritual literature, I haven't written such articles before. What inspired me today is an article in one of the newsletters about Sri Niranjanananda Swami (better known as 'Sarvadhikari', the task master, to many of us) and Sri Muruganar's writing from the Garland of Guru's sayings, which reads, “Those on whom the Guru's Glance of Grace Has Fallen Are Like the Deer Caught in a Tiger's Jaw..”. I know there are so many religious scholars and sincere Bhagavan devotees, who are better qualified than me to write about Bhagavan as a "Jnani". Many can explain better that he is "Antharyami", "Ati ashrami" or a "Jivan-Muktha" who lived in mortal coil. To be honest, I have done little bhakti or yoga so far, even though I respect and admire such sadhakas. In spite of my materialistic desires, shortcomings and vasanas in this birth, I dare to call Bhagavan, "Appa", from the bottom of my heart. May be that is the only merit I had and have.
People may laugh at me or call me "dushta", if I tell them that as a young lad I used to walk around our colony in Madras, with a long stick (silambu) in one hand. I used to call myself "Lakshmana", who is here to protect my father, family and friends, from anyone who comes to harm them in any way (even though love and friendship has been my basic nature). As an adult I have always considered myself a strong person and I worked hard to reach where I am, until August 2005. What happened to me then in terms of my personal experiences, associated mental turbulence and emotions for the next one year, were too much for me to bear. It was proved to me that one of my most trusted and intimate friend had been betraying me badly for 4 continuous years. I shared quite a lot of this with my wife, but still couldn't tell everything. During this time I have stood in front of Bhagavan's photo alone and cried many times. I spoke to Him and asked Him many questions while driving, walking in the streets and around my office building in Sydney, as if He was coming next to me (don't know how many took me for a lunatic). I even fought with Bhagavan in my mind, got angry few times and refused to see His face in any of His photos in my house for a week until one day I came to pick up the phone hearing it ring. My eyes fell on a book about Bhagavan, kept next to the phone by my wife. She didn't know about the hard "viradham" I was keeping for the last one week by not looking at Bhagavan's photo. That book's cover had my favourite photo of Bhagavan. There He was, looking at me with His most compassionate, radiant and loving look, which I can never get in any life time from any earthly father. I broke down, took his book and locked myself in my room kissing His forehead in the photo. Next thing I heard was my wife shouting that I don't even pick up a phone call at home. My stress level was high by then.
After a month or so, one night I was feeling exhausted. It was around 11:30 pm on a week day. I was sitting alone in my lounge room on my couch in the dark. My wife and children were asleep. It was raining heavily outside and I could hear the thunder and see the lightning in the sky through my house's French doors. I got up, went forward and stood in front of Bhagavan's photo kept in the pelmet of my lounge room (which I couldn't see clearly in the dark). I closed my eyes and stood there with folded hands for some time (maybe I went into a micro sleep or something, I don't know). Suddenly I felt as if a cloud of mist or something similar crawling through my back from my leg to the shoulder.
My body started to tremble. I think I half opened my eyes and saw (a kind of) snow white light or rays filling a portion of my lounge room. My mind took it for the light of lightning spreading through the gaps of my home's entrance doors into my lounge room. All I remember after that was that I went straight to bed and slept peacefully until next morning. Honestly, I don't know what exactly happened that night, but the cloud of disturbances started to clear slowly from then on. After that I got many answers and memories as thoughts and picture patterns in my mind. Deep inside me I felt that what I had thought of as my achievements so far in life were all because of Bhagavan's grace and blessing. All the turmoil I went through by then were because of my prarabdha and it was Bhagavan's grace all through which reduced the heat of the consequences. It could have been worse for me, for instance many years ago when I met with a head-on collision, instead of dying, I walked out with a couple of bruises because of Him. I understood how many times in the past from my childhood till today His saving Grace has protected me. All my problems got resolved one by one sometime after that. Bhagavan didn't perform any explicit miracles while in His body, but His love and compassion for His devotees is so intense, that the Divine Will comes into play automatically and protects us or rewards us at the right time. This happens and will happen beyond time and space for those who take solace in Him irrespective of their merits.
I took my wife and children to Sri Ramanasramam, Tiruvannamalai, at the end of 2006. I stayed in the ashram accommodation given to me for a week or so. While I was in the Ashram I felt as if I had come back home. My energy levels were very high. I felt like a 20 year old. I went and kissed the big ashram tree next to the present ashram parking lot, which is standing as a witness to many epics that happened and are happening in the ashram by Bhagavan's grace. I went around every nook and corner of the ashram, as if I was looking for Bhagavan who went around the ashram grounds for His daily stroll. Suddenly a thought flashed in my mind as to how fortunate were the people who had lived with Bhagavan, who saw His loving and radiant face every day and spoke to Him like talking to one's father, even though He was God himself. Then I went to the goshala looking for Lakshmi. I went to the kitchen looking for Santhamma, Lokamma, Sampuranamma, Subbulakshmiamma, Gowriamma, Ramaswami Pillai, Krishnaswami and other devotees. I was looking for Kavyakantha Muni, Muruganar, Viswanatha Brahmachari, Bose and others in the old hall. I found the courage to stand outside the old office building to see whether Chinnaswami, the Saravadhikari was sitting there, writing dutifully. I was looking for Annamalai swami, Rangaswami, Sivananda and other sincere attendants of Bhagavan as I walked up to Skandasramam. I was looking for Madhava Swami, Devaraja Mudaliar, Subbaramayya, Balaram Reddiar, Major Chadwick and many other sincere devotees in the darshan hall. I looked for the present ashram president, Mr.V.S.Ramanan, playing there as a small boy, but later found him walking in front of me as an older man. I did this until Bhagavan told me in my mind, “To look for the one, who is looking for him and all others there”. Then I sat quietly inside the old hall for some time. As disobedient as I am to my Appa's divine words, I went out again and sat next to the Mahanirvana room and cried for some time. After the few wonderful days I spent in the ashram, I thanked Dr. Srinivasamurthy and other ashram authorities with my whole heart for having me there. I then left the sacred shrine and grounds of my divine father's ashram with a sad heart. I know he said, “Where have I gone, I am here, I am with you all”. But I felt weak within my heart. I now think that I am not as mature or mentally strong as many other Bhagavan devotees may be. Appa, “please give me the courage to go through the ups and downs of this and any other life I have, to fulfil my prarabhdha karma, until I reach Your abode by Your Grace”.